the thing about quitting smoking is

Me on the last day of school in 2002, with my bestie Jessica, in the park next to Columbine.

You’re not just quitting cigarettes. You’re quitting the thing that made you feel better the first time someone broke your heart. The thing that kept you company while you sat on your balcony at 2 am and wrote poetry and listened to music. The thing that helped you bond with your shipmates when you went away from home for the first time and worked on a cruise ship in Alaska after high school. The thing that bonded you to almost every close friend you’ve had since middle school. The thing that you had in common with your mom at an age when most people hate their parents.

It’s not just quitting cigarettes, it’s quitting the person you used to be. It’s acknowledging that those times and versions of yourself are gone and they aren’t ever coming back.

That’s the hardest part for me. I’m a sentimental person, I get attached, and when I’m attached I really hate to let go. But that’s growing up isn’t it?

Change is a part of life and it can be a really good part. I’ve always believed that we change whether we like it or not and the wiser course is to make conscious decisions about how and why you change; so that five or ten or twenty years down the line you recognize the person you’ve become and more importantly you like the person you’ve become. So this is me, being the change, and trying to be better. Wish me luck!

You just have to do it.

Seems simple I know but I have “tried” so many ways to quit. I’ve tried cutting down in number of cigarettes a day (I am only allowed six cigarettes a day) except I always smoked more than I planned on. I tried controlling where and when I smoke (I’m allowed to smoke at work but not at home) but I broke that rule too. In previous attempts at quitting I used the gum, the patch and Chantix. Nothing stuck.

I finally admitted to myself that “trying” to quit smoking was just an excuse to keep smoking while getting points for “trying” to change. The worst part was that in order to get through the time until I could smoke again, I was doing a lot of snacking and getting snarky with my family and friends. In short, all of the things I hate about quitting, I was already doing, and I was still smoking! That’s just crazy!

Eventually I realized that in order to be successful I would just have to quit as in, never smoke again, so that’s what I’m doing.

It’s scary at times and It’s definitely hard, but I’m managing my symptoms and when the hard times happen, at least I can feel better because I’m actually not smoking, not even a little bit and that feels pretty good! After all, as Yoda says “Do or do not there is no try!”